Past Mortem by Ben Elton

Author:Ben Elton
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub, azw
Published: 2010-07-30T12:00:00+00:00

TWENTY

Ladies and gentlemen, Dannii Minogue!’

The class of ‘81 to ‘88 had left the hotel and made their way into Hyde Park, where in the beautiful sunshine fifteen thousand thirty-somethings were all having the time of their past lives.

‘I can’t believe it’s Simon Bates doing the comparing!’ Christine shouted excitedly at Newson. ‘It was you writing that thing for his radio show that first made me fancy you. Isn’t this so great?’ She threw her arms around him, and he felt her strangely unyielding breasts pushing against him as Dannii sang about love and kisses.

‘Doesn’t Dannii look great?’

‘I’m afraid I’m something of a purist,’ Newson said. ‘To me the eighties were over musically when Wham! split up. Everything after they played The Final at Wembley in ‘eighty-six is really just the nineties waiting to happen.’

‘You are so funny,’ Christine said, taking out a can of ready-mixed gin and tonic from her chiller bag.

‘This is so cool!’ said Sally Warren, dancing over with Josh. She had not had a ticket, claiming a prior engagement, but when Christine had offered to try and blag her in with the rest of the crowd she had readily agreed. There were thirty of them and when Christine had handed over the large wedge of tickets at the gate in her best media events co-ordinator manner the security man had not bothered to count the crowd.

‘Spewsome could sneak in between Roger’s legs!’ Pete Woolford had shouted to much hilarity when the plan was hatched.

Now that Christine had got Sally Warren into the gig Newson could see that she was regretting it. Sally was overexcited and clingy. Clearly a day out was a rarity for her. What was more, she’d brought a small child and there was simply no denying the apartheid that existed between people who bring children to gigs and the rest of the civilized world. Three-year-olds cannot be ignored and Josh Warren was no exception. He whined, he wanted crisps, he screamed, and whenever his mother tried to speak to anybody he forced himself between them, smearing his snotty face on whatever legs got in his way.

‘I just want to show Ed something,’ Christine said, taking Newson’s hand. ‘There’s a gang of girls all dressed as Nick Rhodes. Thirty-five-year-old Duranies. It’s hilarious.’

‘We’ll come,’ said Sally, picking Josh up, but Christine pretended not to hear her ex-best friend and quickly dragged Newson away, leaving Sally to dance intensely with her child. When he glanced back a few minutes later Sally was talking with great animation to Kieran Beattie. The status market had gone into freefall for her and she was grateful for the social lifeline that even an outcast like Eatie Beattie was able to throw her.

Up on the stage Dannii Minogue was finishing her set and Simon Bates was reminding the crowd what the gig was about. ‘You all know why we’re here, of course,’ he said, ‘apart from in order to have a fantastic time! And aren’t we doing just that, all right! We’re here because of Kidcall.

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